feelings

well

i feel like i need to write but i dont know what to write..

or more so how to type it out.

school is boring my brains out, i have so much shit on,
i met a really nice guy.. he makes me smile so much and is so kind.
i hope this is a positive thing,
so i have mothers day on sunday, then next tuesday my aunty's funeral, then that friday i have the living end concert and hopefully seeing rick (that guy) on the sunday then next weekend its my birthday then a special concert for my sister and me that im going to and then the week after i have my deb.

home is jsut bleh

everything tends to be belh but im trying to be positive..

atm im going through a change of 'crowed' so i feel a bit lost and got no real close friend who is ever free enough to talk.


anyway im going ill write more later when things make sense.


loveee

RIP Aunty sonya

my parents took a weekend away,
so our nan came and babysat us.
we had just gotten to bed and fallen asleep
when the door bell rang not long after midnight.

i went to see who was at the door and was met with
my dad my two uncles and one of thier wives.
they walked in and went straight to nan then walked through to the kitchen
someone then took me aside and told me my aunty had just been found dead.
she was lasted talked to on thursday and that night went to bed like normal
she had an epileptic fit whitch she choked and died.
she was then not found till the next night.

this was totally unexpected.
we will all miss you
xxx

isolated

yep thats how i feel.

on my own and that im jsut fading into the background.


it feels like crap and ive been sick these last few days. not much to smile about in life at the present. hopefully things will get better.. well i hope so.

i just feel so off planet with the people who are ment to care about me.. like we are talking two different languages.
i jstu want to feel the love. to be held and wanted.

love..

well i wish to not fall in love for a while but it sucks and
leaves me feeling like a loner when everyone else seems to be falling in love.

i wish i new why it never seemed to work
i wish i new how to find people who i can fall for and not have to worry about a broken heart later
i wish it wasnt so weird.

i have chosen to keep my ex matthew as a friend.. he needs one and there is no reason why we shouldnt be but today we went to the movies..
and he kept touching my leg then forced his arm behind me and awkwardly lounged all over me like a 5 year old.
why cant he see it shits me.. i try and tell him but he wont see it... and i dont wanna be harsh.

ive also had someone poke fun at me being bi-sexual the last few days.. shattering and immature but definatly makes me worry about what people think of me. i jsut want love. to be loved. for me

fat, thin, rich, poor, white or black people should love me for me.


ahh attraction.. hard thing to come by.

impressions

what can i say..
im over it, family, work,saving, doing as im told, planing,spending, needing, wanting, loving, caringcause in the end it doesnt matter..

all that matters is what you think you can do and that of which you see yourself.cause in the end people come in and out of our lives..

no one stays for good so why try and impress or change for them...

its pointless.its just a endless spiral.

joyus family weekends

so easter

we all love easter.. chocolates and easter bunnies and teddys and rabbit years. but i am over the family weekends.. i hate not being able to do anything cause its a family weekend but we dont do anything together either. so im left bored shitless all weekend. seriously pissed.

family is pushing my limits.
sick of being blamed for there shit.
sick of being in the middle of there crap.

downwards spiral

so lots of shit has been going on lately.

I have jsut got on school holidays and i havnt been able to stop sleeping.. i feel like a bear in hibornation mode.
have a few more hours at work which i am greatful for.. but still wishing i didnt have to work.
We paid the deposit on my debutante dress.. it looks amaizing and im so exited. we got the night we wanted so my pop could come down and it will be the family.. i had to figure out what to get my deb partner as a present and i settled on a wine pack.. hope he will like it.

home life is very interesting.. i have had my best friend at my house for the last 6 nights. great company but it will be good to sleep in my bed by myself.. lol and chances are ill miss having her there.. she steals the blankets.
my mum is finally better... she has a illness called cyclic vomiting syndrome... basiclly every now and again something snaps and she throws up for about 10 days... frustrating but after 10 years you learn to live with it.
she is slowly learning how to get better faster and to not take everything out on us when she gets better and everything isnt perfect.
i guess she is learning at the same time as us.

well i did have a wonderfull functioning relationship... but then it jsut started spinning out of control.. we kept fighting and he would apologise but only if he had a excuse to go with it.. and when he got mad he would say shit that was just not needed.
so we fought last night and he wanted me to just forget it all happened and i cant.. people cant jsut forget everything every time they fight. i need to talk and deal with it but he didnt like that so it carried on and he started getting more angry and childish so then we broke up today.. deep down i know he was a wonderful guy but we were two different and didnt see much the same way so we were doomed from the start. so im now single.. and feeling like shit.

anyway thats all i have for now.. not much else to talk about...

i wish i could get a decent night sleep and jsut a fresh start.

*sigh*

well relationships suck.
friendships suck.
school is going no where.
and my mum is sick.


i havnt posted in a while cause i thought nothing had happened worth talking about.. lie i jsut didnt notice it till now.

me and my boyfriend keep having little fights which is doing my head in, and the sad thing is that its over small shit.

people who i thought were my friends arnt. they are all uses.. people are jsut animals.. they keep you around untill they dont want you then flick you off like you were never worth anything. people are jsut horrible.

school is jsut fail all together.

and once again my mum is sick which causes stress on the family.. and i end up with all the responsability. it sucks ass.

on the plus side i found a wonderful deb dress.. it is amazing..

dentist

well today was my last visit to the dentis for a while

i had to get 1 filling, and 3 salients. the salients dont hurt but holly crap the filling did.
i hate needles and they scare the shit out of me so we tried without it.. that didnt work so she dosed me up with some anistetic.. she finished the salients and went to move on with the filling.. it was still very sensitive so she did another dose of anistectic.. she gave it a few minuets to let it set in. my lips cheeks and gum's were all tiningling and going numbing so she tried again but i was still getting sharp pains. so she gave me a 3RD dose.. and yet it wasnt numbing enough so i jsut had to try and deal with it..

so now im still recovering.. my lips cheek.. well half my damn face is numb. and it will be a few hours before im normal again


damn dentists.

schooling.

ok so here is the deal.
i am studying

year 11 legal
year 11 business management
English
maths
cert II Vet hospitality
and year 12 pyschology.

i am doing well in all my class' but Business management.
i cant understand my teacher, he is berly there and is wasting our time.
my work load is heavy at school and my co-ordinater thinks so too.
she gave me a option to drop business management because it is nothing like year 12 business management. so i will be droping it. thank god i have more time to study and deal with all my harder class'.

so a little more relife. i hope i ace my classes.

relatioonships.

are hard work and sometimes unfair
but like fuckkk!

city adventures

so today i took the train into the city
and met up with my best mate tiffie =]
we looked around at all the fansey shops for deb dresses.
but being a sunday it was all closed.
so we stoped for lunch and then decided to walk around some more.. we came across
a hair house wearhouse and it said pircings. i was look cool and we wnet in side so
i got the top of my ear pirced.. i know not a real big thing but it was good and enough for me.

=]

ultra sound results.

well on friday after school i got my ultra sound results.
the doctor said everything looks normal but because of the pain he has
chosen to send me to a specialist to get a second oppinion because we have done
everything we can by a gp. the doctor did say that there was a posability it was something..
i cant remember exactly what it was called but the only way to diagnose it is by opperation.
so i guess i will know more when i see this specialist.


hmmmm

tears

they sting my eyes
as they leave painfill streaks
as they cut there wya through my eyelids

fuck i hate crying.

and i hate u bastards that make me crack to the point of tears.

you all are pathectic and are worth nothing to a functional world so jsut go die.

cell block tango- Chicago <3

[LIZ]Pop

[ANNIE]Six

[JUNE]Squish

[HUNYAK]Uh uh

[VELMA]Cicero

[MONA]Lipschitz!

[LIZ]Pop

[ANNIE]Six

[JUNE]Squish

[HUNYAK]Uh uh

[VELMA]Cicero

[MONA]

Lipschitz!

[LIZ]Pop

[ANNIE]Six

[JUNE]Squish

[HUNYAK]Uh uh

[VELMA]Cicero

[MONA]Lipschitz!

[ALL]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

[VELMA]I betcha you would have done the same!

[LIZ]Pop

[ANNIE]Six

[JUNE]Squish

[HUNYAK]Uh uh

[VELMA]Cicero

[MONA]Lipschitz!

[LIZ (Spoken)]You know how people

have these little habits

That get you down. Like Bernie.

Bernie like to chew gum.

No, not chew. POP.

Well, I came home this one day

And I am really irritated, and

looking for a little sympathy

and there'e Bernie layin'on the couch, drinkin' a beerand chewin'.

No, not chewin'.Poppin'.

So, I said to him,I said, "Bernie, you pop that

gum one more time..."and he did.So I took the shotgun off the wall

and I fired two warning shots... ...into his head.

[GIRLS]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

[ALL]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have dome the same!

[ANNIE (Spoken)]I met Ezekiel Young from

Salt Lake city about two years ago

and he told me he was single

and we hit it off right away.So, we started living together.

He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd

mix him a drink, We'd have dinner.Well, it was like heaven in

two and a half rooms.And then I found out,"Single" he told me?

Single, my ass. Not onlywas he married...oh, no, he had six wives.

One of those Mormons, you know. So that

night, when he came home, I mixed him

his drink as usual.

You know, some guys just can't hold

their arsenic.

[GIRLS]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself

To blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If yo'd have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

[LIZ,ANNIE,JUNE,MONA]Hah! He had it coming

He had it coming

He took a flower In its prime

And then he used itAnd he abused it

It was a murder

But not a crime!

[VELMA AND HUNYAK]Pop, six, squish, uh-uhCicero, Lipschitz

[JUNE (Spoken)]Now, I'm standing in the kitchen

carvin' up the chicken for dinner,minding my own business,and in storms my husband Wilbur,in a jealous rage.

"You been screwin' the milkman,"he says. He was crazyand he kept screamin',"you been screwin the milkman."

And then he ran into my knife.He ran into my knife ten times!

[GIRLS]Pop,Six,Squish,Uh-uh,Cicero,Lipschitz

Pop, Six,Squish,Uh-uh,Cicero,Lipschitz

Pop,Six,Squish,Uh-uh,Cicero,Lipschitz

[ALL]If you'd have been thereIf you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

[HUNYAK (Spoken)]Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,

hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet.

De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok.

Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probalt ama rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...

[JUNE (Spoken)]Yeah, but di you do it?

[HUNYAK]UH UH, not guilty!

[VELMA]My sister, Veronica and

I did this double actand my husband, Charlie,used to travel round with us.

Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobaticfour,five...splits, spread eagles,back flips,flip flops,one right after the other.

Well, this one night we were in Cicero,

the three of us, sittin' upin a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and

we ran out of ice.

So I went out to get some.

I come back, open the door

and there's Veronica and

Charlie doing Number Seventeen-the spread eagle.

[GIRLS]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it tricks in a row,one,two,three,I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

He had

It coming

He had it coming...

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.

I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands

I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming

They had it coming

They had it coming all along

I didn't do it

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[VELMA]They had it coming

[GIRLS]They had it coming

[VELMA]They had it coming

[GIRLS]They had it coming

[VELMA]They had it coming

[GIRLS]They took a flower

[VELMA]All along

[GIRLS]In its prime

[VELMA]I didn't do it

[GIRLS]And then they used it

[VELMA]But if I'd done it

[GIRLS]And they abused it

[VELMA]How could you tell me

[GIRLS]It was a murder

[VELMA]That I was wrong?

[GIRLS]But not a crime!

[MONA]I loved Alvin Lipschitz

more than I can possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy...sensitive... a painter.

But he was troubled. He was always trying

to find himself. He'd go out every night

looking for himself

and on the way he found Ruth,Gladys,Rosemary and Irving.

I guess you can say we brokeup because or artistic differences.

He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

[GIRLS]He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha

You wouldHave done

The same!

[ALL]The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]They had it comin'

[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]They had it comin'

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]They had it comin'

[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]They had it comin'

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]They had it comin'

[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]They had it comin'

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]All along

[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]All along'Cause if they used us'

Cause if they used us And they abused us And they abused us

[LIZ,ANNIE,MONA]How could you tell us

[VELMA,JUNE,HUNYAK]How could you tell us That we were wrong?

That we were wrong?

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

HimselfTo blame.

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betchaYou wouldHave doneThe same!

[LIZ (Spoken)]You pop that gum one more time!

[ANNIE (spoken)]Single my ass.

[JUNE (Spoken)]Ten times!

[HUNYAK (Spoken)]Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.

[VELMA (Spoken)]Number seventeen-the spread eagle.

[MONA (Spoken)]Artistic differences.

[ALL]I betcha you would have done the same!

(L)chicago

more serious newss.

on sat u had a ultra sound.

and no im not pregnate.

the doctor has me on the strongest legal 'pill' avalible, but im still getting killer cramps and i think im still ovulating.

ultra sounds are so uncomfortable. i had to empty my bladder 2 hours before then drink 4-5 cups of water and i did.

it caused so much pain. my stomache started to cramp and i started to cry. i really wanted to either go to the toilet, pass out or vomite.
we finally went in and he did all the important shots then he let me go to the toilet. i finally stopped crying and relaxed but still felt sick.
he took a few more shots.

so i hopefully tomorrow will get the results from the doctor. i could have sists on my ovarys. its really bad. the last time i had a sist it infected my apendix. i jsut dont want it to infect anything else and leave me with problems.

it worrys me.. but positive thoughts

me matthew and belgrave = loveeeeee

so lets start at the begining.

i wake up super earlie and get dressed and catch the train into the city where i am greeted by my wonderful boyfriend. we then ventured to plateform 12 for a train out to his. on the way we took a little deture to start bucks and had some hot chocolate =]

we talked and cuddled all the way to his station were he showed me this cute little river that runs along the stations plateform. we then walked down to where his mum picked us up. we went back to his had a drink and toilet stop.
i greeted his parents and they greeted me happily and welcomingly.

we then borrowed the car and drove into belgrave. the most beautiful place i had ever seen. all surrounded by green life and forrest, big beautiful houses scattered amoungst the trees.
we walked up the main street and look in all the shops and talked. we then came across the movies and had a look to see what was on. we decided to see the watchmen at 2:30.

we had time to waste so we went for another walk to see what we could have for lunch. we then stoped and decided on a little caffee. we went inside and was greeted by friendly staff and lead to a little table giving a glass of water and the menues. both me and my boyfriend decided on sandwiches, with roast chicken, sweet chilli alioli, sredded cos lettus and coleslaw. i decided to have mine on terkish bread and matthew had his on soughdough, both with a side of chips and a iced chocolate. we sat ate and talked to pass the time we then paid and walked over to the movies and sat down and watch the movie.

i loved the day it was perfect.
i love spending time with my baby.
it jsut feels to amazing.

i love him

sleeeeeep ZZzzzzzZZZZzzz!

well it seems no matter how hard i try i can never catch up on enough sleep.
its driving me nuts as well as keeping me so drained and feeling emotionally messed.
its taking all my strength to get up in the mornings and go off and listen to the teachers ramble on about crap.
i jsut wish i could at least go back to a neautral time.

i also wish i was falling asleep in someones arms..
but no. i fall asleep on my own in a big cold bed.

YAWN!

parents.. they jsut dont get it.

ok my deb is coming up,
and its MY night in a WHITE dress DANCING with my partner.. who is a lovely man.
i said on my table i wanted my mum, brad, my boyfriend matthew, my best friend tiffie and nan and my aunty sonya.
and my 12 year old sister asked if she was gonna come and i said no and she stormed off and i got yelled at! it is my night and if she came she would embarress me and be stupid. its the one night i get to look like a princess and feel amazing and i dont want her to make me look stupid..

this then went on to other stuff and i was being told how i always look at things negativly and i dont.. its jstu hard to look at things from a normal perspective when no one gives a shit till your in tears and on the verge of sanity.
this then went on to how i have agressive mood swings..
i know i have some kind of depression just never been tested because mum is like 'you dont need a doctor just be more happy' such great adive NOT!
i have always need to see a counsler and stuff i use to before we moved but mums all like 'i cant make that commitment' if she cant make the commitment then i cant deal with my problems and stress. she doesnt get it.

i tried explaining to her for my longing for a connection to somewhere.. to have a home..
but she said i will never have a home home because its normally a country thing, but yet she has a 'home' and brad has a 'home' i dont have that feeling.. i dont have that connection.. i dont remember ever feeling it.

they refuse to help me help me
they dont understand
they make a problem general over personal
its me on a lone battle .. again.

stress.

i feel like i am going crazy like seriously! ahhhh!
my family is driving me up the wall.
i just cant seem to do anything right. im ALWAYS in the wrong, and they are being seriously frustrating. my little sister most of all. she is rude ignorant.. does things she knows drives me nuts and it makes me wanna rip my hair out.

school is so fucking GRRR! like seriously people are stupid and i hate them all. friends suck and people lie and teacher dont talk to each other. im so stressed im not eating or sleeping properly.

i need space and time to myself but i cant get that. no cause everyone else has to be right in the middle of my business.
my head hurts i feel like crying and screaming and it seems like no one can see im stressing so bad and feeling very messed up..

cause no one stops for 5 seconds to look at me and realise im struggling.

fuck them all.