yep thats how i feel.
on my own and that im jsut fading into the background.
it feels like crap and ive been sick these last few days. not much to smile about in life at the present. hopefully things will get better.. well i hope so.
i just feel so off planet with the people who are ment to care about me.. like we are talking two different languages.
i jstu want to feel the love. to be held and wanted.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
love..
well i wish to not fall in love for a while but it sucks and
leaves me feeling like a loner when everyone else seems to be falling in love.
i wish i new why it never seemed to work
i wish i new how to find people who i can fall for and not have to worry about a broken heart later
i wish it wasnt so weird.
i have chosen to keep my ex matthew as a friend.. he needs one and there is no reason why we shouldnt be but today we went to the movies..
and he kept touching my leg then forced his arm behind me and awkwardly lounged all over me like a 5 year old.
why cant he see it shits me.. i try and tell him but he wont see it... and i dont wanna be harsh.
ive also had someone poke fun at me being bi-sexual the last few days.. shattering and immature but definatly makes me worry about what people think of me. i jsut want love. to be loved. for me
fat, thin, rich, poor, white or black people should love me for me.
ahh attraction.. hard thing to come by.
leaves me feeling like a loner when everyone else seems to be falling in love.
i wish i new why it never seemed to work
i wish i new how to find people who i can fall for and not have to worry about a broken heart later
i wish it wasnt so weird.
i have chosen to keep my ex matthew as a friend.. he needs one and there is no reason why we shouldnt be but today we went to the movies..
and he kept touching my leg then forced his arm behind me and awkwardly lounged all over me like a 5 year old.
why cant he see it shits me.. i try and tell him but he wont see it... and i dont wanna be harsh.
ive also had someone poke fun at me being bi-sexual the last few days.. shattering and immature but definatly makes me worry about what people think of me. i jsut want love. to be loved. for me
fat, thin, rich, poor, white or black people should love me for me.
ahh attraction.. hard thing to come by.
impressions
what can i say..
im over it, family, work,saving, doing as im told, planing,spending, needing, wanting, loving, caringcause in the end it doesnt matter..
all that matters is what you think you can do and that of which you see yourself.cause in the end people come in and out of our lives..
no one stays for good so why try and impress or change for them...
its pointless.its just a endless spiral.
im over it, family, work,saving, doing as im told, planing,spending, needing, wanting, loving, caringcause in the end it doesnt matter..
all that matters is what you think you can do and that of which you see yourself.cause in the end people come in and out of our lives..
no one stays for good so why try and impress or change for them...
its pointless.its just a endless spiral.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
joyus family weekends
so easter
we all love easter.. chocolates and easter bunnies and teddys and rabbit years. but i am over the family weekends.. i hate not being able to do anything cause its a family weekend but we dont do anything together either. so im left bored shitless all weekend. seriously pissed.
family is pushing my limits.
sick of being blamed for there shit.
sick of being in the middle of there crap.
we all love easter.. chocolates and easter bunnies and teddys and rabbit years. but i am over the family weekends.. i hate not being able to do anything cause its a family weekend but we dont do anything together either. so im left bored shitless all weekend. seriously pissed.
family is pushing my limits.
sick of being blamed for there shit.
sick of being in the middle of there crap.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
downwards spiral
so lots of shit has been going on lately.
I have jsut got on school holidays and i havnt been able to stop sleeping.. i feel like a bear in hibornation mode.
have a few more hours at work which i am greatful for.. but still wishing i didnt have to work.
We paid the deposit on my debutante dress.. it looks amaizing and im so exited. we got the night we wanted so my pop could come down and it will be the family.. i had to figure out what to get my deb partner as a present and i settled on a wine pack.. hope he will like it.
home life is very interesting.. i have had my best friend at my house for the last 6 nights. great company but it will be good to sleep in my bed by myself.. lol and chances are ill miss having her there.. she steals the blankets.
my mum is finally better... she has a illness called cyclic vomiting syndrome... basiclly every now and again something snaps and she throws up for about 10 days... frustrating but after 10 years you learn to live with it.
she is slowly learning how to get better faster and to not take everything out on us when she gets better and everything isnt perfect.
i guess she is learning at the same time as us.
well i did have a wonderfull functioning relationship... but then it jsut started spinning out of control.. we kept fighting and he would apologise but only if he had a excuse to go with it.. and when he got mad he would say shit that was just not needed.
so we fought last night and he wanted me to just forget it all happened and i cant.. people cant jsut forget everything every time they fight. i need to talk and deal with it but he didnt like that so it carried on and he started getting more angry and childish so then we broke up today.. deep down i know he was a wonderful guy but we were two different and didnt see much the same way so we were doomed from the start. so im now single.. and feeling like shit.
anyway thats all i have for now.. not much else to talk about...
i wish i could get a decent night sleep and jsut a fresh start.
I have jsut got on school holidays and i havnt been able to stop sleeping.. i feel like a bear in hibornation mode.
have a few more hours at work which i am greatful for.. but still wishing i didnt have to work.
We paid the deposit on my debutante dress.. it looks amaizing and im so exited. we got the night we wanted so my pop could come down and it will be the family.. i had to figure out what to get my deb partner as a present and i settled on a wine pack.. hope he will like it.
home life is very interesting.. i have had my best friend at my house for the last 6 nights. great company but it will be good to sleep in my bed by myself.. lol and chances are ill miss having her there.. she steals the blankets.
my mum is finally better... she has a illness called cyclic vomiting syndrome... basiclly every now and again something snaps and she throws up for about 10 days... frustrating but after 10 years you learn to live with it.
she is slowly learning how to get better faster and to not take everything out on us when she gets better and everything isnt perfect.
i guess she is learning at the same time as us.
well i did have a wonderfull functioning relationship... but then it jsut started spinning out of control.. we kept fighting and he would apologise but only if he had a excuse to go with it.. and when he got mad he would say shit that was just not needed.
so we fought last night and he wanted me to just forget it all happened and i cant.. people cant jsut forget everything every time they fight. i need to talk and deal with it but he didnt like that so it carried on and he started getting more angry and childish so then we broke up today.. deep down i know he was a wonderful guy but we were two different and didnt see much the same way so we were doomed from the start. so im now single.. and feeling like shit.
anyway thats all i have for now.. not much else to talk about...
i wish i could get a decent night sleep and jsut a fresh start.
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