isolated

yep thats how i feel.

on my own and that im jsut fading into the background.


it feels like crap and ive been sick these last few days. not much to smile about in life at the present. hopefully things will get better.. well i hope so.

i just feel so off planet with the people who are ment to care about me.. like we are talking two different languages.
i jstu want to feel the love. to be held and wanted.

love..

well i wish to not fall in love for a while but it sucks and
leaves me feeling like a loner when everyone else seems to be falling in love.

i wish i new why it never seemed to work
i wish i new how to find people who i can fall for and not have to worry about a broken heart later
i wish it wasnt so weird.

i have chosen to keep my ex matthew as a friend.. he needs one and there is no reason why we shouldnt be but today we went to the movies..
and he kept touching my leg then forced his arm behind me and awkwardly lounged all over me like a 5 year old.
why cant he see it shits me.. i try and tell him but he wont see it... and i dont wanna be harsh.

ive also had someone poke fun at me being bi-sexual the last few days.. shattering and immature but definatly makes me worry about what people think of me. i jsut want love. to be loved. for me

fat, thin, rich, poor, white or black people should love me for me.


ahh attraction.. hard thing to come by.

impressions

what can i say..
im over it, family, work,saving, doing as im told, planing,spending, needing, wanting, loving, caringcause in the end it doesnt matter..

all that matters is what you think you can do and that of which you see yourself.cause in the end people come in and out of our lives..

no one stays for good so why try and impress or change for them...

its pointless.its just a endless spiral.

joyus family weekends

so easter

we all love easter.. chocolates and easter bunnies and teddys and rabbit years. but i am over the family weekends.. i hate not being able to do anything cause its a family weekend but we dont do anything together either. so im left bored shitless all weekend. seriously pissed.

family is pushing my limits.
sick of being blamed for there shit.
sick of being in the middle of there crap.

downwards spiral

so lots of shit has been going on lately.

I have jsut got on school holidays and i havnt been able to stop sleeping.. i feel like a bear in hibornation mode.
have a few more hours at work which i am greatful for.. but still wishing i didnt have to work.
We paid the deposit on my debutante dress.. it looks amaizing and im so exited. we got the night we wanted so my pop could come down and it will be the family.. i had to figure out what to get my deb partner as a present and i settled on a wine pack.. hope he will like it.

home life is very interesting.. i have had my best friend at my house for the last 6 nights. great company but it will be good to sleep in my bed by myself.. lol and chances are ill miss having her there.. she steals the blankets.
my mum is finally better... she has a illness called cyclic vomiting syndrome... basiclly every now and again something snaps and she throws up for about 10 days... frustrating but after 10 years you learn to live with it.
she is slowly learning how to get better faster and to not take everything out on us when she gets better and everything isnt perfect.
i guess she is learning at the same time as us.

well i did have a wonderfull functioning relationship... but then it jsut started spinning out of control.. we kept fighting and he would apologise but only if he had a excuse to go with it.. and when he got mad he would say shit that was just not needed.
so we fought last night and he wanted me to just forget it all happened and i cant.. people cant jsut forget everything every time they fight. i need to talk and deal with it but he didnt like that so it carried on and he started getting more angry and childish so then we broke up today.. deep down i know he was a wonderful guy but we were two different and didnt see much the same way so we were doomed from the start. so im now single.. and feeling like shit.

anyway thats all i have for now.. not much else to talk about...

i wish i could get a decent night sleep and jsut a fresh start.

*sigh*

well relationships suck.
friendships suck.
school is going no where.
and my mum is sick.


i havnt posted in a while cause i thought nothing had happened worth talking about.. lie i jsut didnt notice it till now.

me and my boyfriend keep having little fights which is doing my head in, and the sad thing is that its over small shit.

people who i thought were my friends arnt. they are all uses.. people are jsut animals.. they keep you around untill they dont want you then flick you off like you were never worth anything. people are jsut horrible.

school is jsut fail all together.

and once again my mum is sick which causes stress on the family.. and i end up with all the responsability. it sucks ass.

on the plus side i found a wonderful deb dress.. it is amazing..

dentist

well today was my last visit to the dentis for a while

i had to get 1 filling, and 3 salients. the salients dont hurt but holly crap the filling did.
i hate needles and they scare the shit out of me so we tried without it.. that didnt work so she dosed me up with some anistetic.. she finished the salients and went to move on with the filling.. it was still very sensitive so she did another dose of anistectic.. she gave it a few minuets to let it set in. my lips cheeks and gum's were all tiningling and going numbing so she tried again but i was still getting sharp pains. so she gave me a 3RD dose.. and yet it wasnt numbing enough so i jsut had to try and deal with it..

so now im still recovering.. my lips cheek.. well half my damn face is numb. and it will be a few hours before im normal again


damn dentists.